Carly's Journal

This & That

2005-02-21T19:28:33Z

So we got a new keyboard and I can't stand it. *L*
I'm so used to the other one. I"m a really good typer and I can't type on this one.. it feels soo different. The old one was very sensitive..this one you have to really hit the keys hard! icky bad. I think that's what messes me up, I'm used to only have to slightly touch each key..and I type fast so now with this one I keep having to go back and back and correct. But.. I'm sure In time I'll get used to this one.. I just hate the getting used to period ya know. *LOL*

Anyways...... KIDS GROW UP WAY TO FAST!!!! It makes me cry how quickly CarlyAnna is growing up. She can talk like a 4 year old and can say anything and such big words for such a baby
She'll tell drew " Your aggervating me now.." or " I'm fixin to get very mad" and she'll stick her bottom lip out and bring her eyes down and gives you such a dirty look ...it's so serious you can't help but laugh.
or she'll say " I said leave me alone drew...do you hear me...I ...said....leave...me ...alone!" ohh it's so funny.
Drew loves to aggervate her.. (shakes my head) and now she's got this thing where she likes to say " I'll knock you coo-coo"
She hasn't yet to draw back and actually hit him. but I'm keeping my eye on her cause I don't think it'll be long.
She got that from us actually..when something hurts her we'll smack the table she fell on and say we're knockin it coo-coo for hurtin our baby...and it only took one time for her to catch that saying *L*

Isn't it amazing....the faith of a child.
If we...as adults..could have half the faith a child does..wow..
I can't even imagine.
Drew's 7 and he still believe I can heal any boo-boo simply by kissing it. Don't get me wrong I love it. LOVE IT!! That works so well with both of them.. they can be bleeding and really hurt and I can kiss it..and all the tear dry up and they're just fine. I LOVE IT. *LOL* CarlyAnna even says
" Thanks mama"
It just amazed me how that can work like that.. simply because as soon as the first boo-boo.. I'd say.." let mama kiss it and make it all better "
And Boom..just like that.
Can you imagine what we could accomplish if we had the faith like that...I mean wow..
Okay okay.. I'm stop rambling now

shhhhhh

2005-02-04T05:25:15Z

(Looks over at Andy sleeping like a baby)
SHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
Guess who's gonna be a birthday boy in a few days?? **EG**

Speaking of..my birthday was in Jan. I gotta tell ya what Andy done for me *VVBS*
Well..the way my family is here..once you get over like 16...thats it..nomore birthday cakes and parties and whatnot..so as you can imagine when Andy got here it had been more than a few years sense I've celebrated my birthday. He always makes it such a big deal..every year making me the most creative beautiful cakes..Apples..I love apples..to decorate with that is.. My kitchen looks like a giant apple.. I think it was the first birthday he was here..he made me a cake shaped likee an apple..omg it musta been eight cake pans high..omg..and he shaped it soo perfectly I don't know how it stood without toppling over..anyways..he's so good at stuff like that. So..to get to why I mentioned it.. This year...he snuck into the bedroom before he went to work..and woke me up singing happybirthday .....he had those hostess cupcakes..ya know with the goodstuff in the middle...*LOL* he had two of those with candles stuffed in them.. *LOL* Now how sweet is that.. Later on he made me a cake...it was of course apples again, an apple basket cake. He really does have talent I tell ya. If I would've been decorating that thing it wouldn't look fit to eat.. *LOL* He always makes our birthday soo special. Ssoooo here I am...laying awaking thinkin how in the world am I gonna come close to that??

WARNING!! this post is NOT pleasant at all.

2004-11-19T16:09:59Z

It's one of those days...again.
Where I cry all day.
It's the holidays... I should be excited right?
The holidays hasn't been easy for me the past year. This will be the second X-mas I have to go thru without being about to enjoy it. I can either not see my daddy at all for X-mas OR I can see him in the jailhouse..wow what a choice. It's hard..going there trying to put on a happy face for him, trying not to let him know that what I really want to do..no what I really NEED to do is sit in his lap and cry llke a 2 year old. I hate it.. I hate it.
I try so hard to be there for him and to be the strong one. But damn.........it hurts so bad. I'm a daddy's girl and I've already been ripped out of his life way to much (when I was a child my mother rufused to let him see us for a few years) so I've felt cheated all my life. And no he's took away from me again. He hasn't got to see CarlyAnna grow up. He was there..in the delivery room when she was born and he was the first to hold her and he kissed her on the lips and said ( this one's gonna be my heart.....pa's heart..yes you are.) I'll never forget that as long as I live. He was in the delivery room with Drew to but they've never been really close ...and he's not close to my brothers kids either. So he wanted soo badly to be close and a everyday appearance in her life. (sighs) And I want that.. I feel like it gives me something back from me missing out with him when I was a baby..ya know. I know to some that doesn't make any sense at all but...... seeing him with her, makes some of the pain go away...and it gives him another chance .
He'll be released Nov of '05. My brother (Mark) went and talked to the judge a few weeks ago and he told him that he'd let daddy go in Nov. so Mark instantly thought this nov.. I tried to tell him to call him back and aak if it was this year or next, but no.....he's to good to do that he's certain...CERTAIN it's this year..so everybody tell daddy he'll be home for thanksgiving and xmas... tell our little sister whose 9 and also a daddy's girl that she'll have daddy home.. for what..NOTHING CAUSE IT'S NOT THIS YEAR.... IT'S NEXT YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him not to tell anyone until we made sure..but noo just couldn't do that.. he had to go away and tell him and everyone and get all our hopes us. Most of all get Daddy's hopes us. It makes me sick..
He's not well.. He's already had one operation while he's been there and now they're saying after only 3 weeks after the second operation that the growth has came back..and 3 times a big as before..and so quickly to. Now they think it's cancer. He won't let them do a biopsy, and he says he don't want to know if it's cancer..and he'll never do chemo. (sighs) I know it's hard.. I've just watch my granny go thru it...but still...it can work..
I started crying and told him that I thought it was mighty selfish of him.
I wish I could take that back. I still feel that way but I wish I hadn't told him.
To add to all that.
Nightmares!! I'm sick of having all these dreams. I'm one of those that dreams stuff that really happens. Matter of fact 3 weeks before scott called and told us they were expecting, I kept dreaming someone was pregnant. And sure enough.....3 weeks later. I've always had that gift... sense I was small .. I can't ever remember not having it. But lately none of my dreams are pleasant. I have horrid nightmares about my exhusband who was very abusive to me both physical and mentally. At one point I remember thinking I would never get out of that marriage alive. Thank god I did.
And from time to time he will resurface just to mess with me. And every single night I dream of it... him kidnapping drew from school....him breaking in my house and killing me..beating me to death in front of CarlyAnna and then taking her.. Everynight it gets worse..more dramatic...more painful.
And I"m terrified that he's gonna show up. It's been a while now..the last time I heard from him I wsa preg. with CarlyAnna... and he likes to give me time to breath and then pop up every few years..so in my mind..it's about time again.
Drew's first school year..preschool...he went to the school and tried to get him out of class...thankfully they wouldn't let him. I had to take a pic up there and talk to all the teachers about it. He's not suppose to even be in the same county with us.. but the law never stopped him before.. I once asked them what the hell was they waiting for...for him to kill me..then will you lock him up. I had had 3 warrents..3 restraining orders..and over 15 phone calls to the cops for spousal abuse..and never once...not once did they take him to jail. Not to mention they 13 trips to the emergency room and the 3 and 4 nights of hospital stay because of him beating me..breaking my jaw...and it goes on and on..
The only comfort I do have is Andy.. I feel safe when he's home. And I have complete trust in him protecting me. It's the times that he's not here that I'm worried about..or at school with drew...blah blah..
I don't even want to go to bed at night anymore cause I know I'm gonna dream about it. Last night I got up after only being asleep for 2 hours and stayed up the rest of the night... I finally crawled back in bed at 5:30am.
I have no idea why I"m writing all this... It's not like me . I usually never talk about my past life with anyone...(sighs) I"m just so sick of having to be scared...afraid for my life...for drew's.. God help me if he were to ever..EVER even try to take him I'd kill him...without thinking about it. That is if I got to him before Andy. Thats another thing that scares me. ... I know that if Andy ever gets within reach of him he's gonna hurt him..badd..which wouldn't be a bad thing.. I just don't want Andy to go to jail..and thats my luck..they never would lock that bastart (excuse me) up for almost killing me so many times....but if Andy ever hit him once they'd lock Andy up. Don't that just beat all!!!!
I'd die without Andy.. I can not survive this world with him. He's my everything. (sighs) okay okay....
Maybe I just needed to get some of it out .....I dunno..
I keep packing it in...I feel like I'm gonna bust soon.

I do apologize to everyone who reads this..... I know it's not what peeps want to read... all bad icky bring me down stuff all the time.But maybe I will feel better now that I've gonna some of it out. Mind you that's just a hair of it.. but who knows... god please let it help.

A little bit of everything

2004-11-18T16:53:46Z

My amazing husband has finally started writting a noval *VVBS* He's a fantastic writer as you all know, but he's to hard on hisself. I know he can write a best seller...he just don't have faith in hisself. Anyways..to get to way I'm telling you this.. I need everyone to help me with it. Help me nudge him abit here and there, so he'll keep writing. He needs some (whats the word) some...............

CarlyAnna is growing up way to fast (sighs) She's sooo smart omg she amazes me everyday ....
the other day my mom which she calls Nannyboopboop (my mother hates it with a passion...*LMAO* but...thats just tough)hahahah
anyways... she was gonna try and put her down for a nap for me, while I down some cleaning. I was in the bedroom and they were in the living room.YOU have to rock CarlyAnna and sing her to sleep so nannyboopboop said " Come here Carlyanna and let nanny rock the baby"
CarlyAnna ignored her so she said it again....CarlyAnna said " No nannyboopboop..NO" So of course she kept on at her..finally CarlyAnna ..put her hands on her hips and turned to her and said " I said NO nanny...did you hear me?? I ...said...No.."
I about fell off the bed laughing...not that I like her talking to adults that way but omg it was hilarious..just how serious and grown up .. I said no ..did you hear me.. omg. Kids.... I wish I had a recorder so I could let everyone hear it.
Now..I don't condone that tone with adults..and I didn't get on to her about it..and she didn't see me laughing so..
She can say anything...
LIke the other day I fixed her some chocolate milk..her favorite. And she took a swallow and said.. " oh mama thank you... I love it . I love it. I love it. "
Now how cute is that.
Not to mention she's got her daddy wrapped around her little finger...all her fingers matter of fact. She's got it down too *VVBS* She's tilt her pretty little head to the side and bat her eyes at him and said " please daddy" and he melts..instantly melts. (proud look) and gets anything she wants.

And drew is growing up to be such a lil man *S* He's doing so great in school. With his adhd and speech impediment and ticks.. I was sooo worried about school. But thank god..he's doing great. 1st grade this year and the first report card..he got strait A's. OMG, I can't explain how proud I was..nothing could have tickled me more. The next report card which is the latest one we've got. He made A's & B's. I was just as proud. He was devestated. He came home crying, so upset. I kept telling him that was still awesome..but it wasn't good enough for him. He wanted all A's. But we were just as happy with A's & B's. It's crazy now how hard they make school..and so early. In first grade we didn't do nothing but learn abc's and how to write them and count to 100. Now...they have spelling test every week, not words like " and...the...it" I'm talking words like " impossible....automobile...supercallafragalisticexpiali...ext..... you get it I'm sure. I'm glad he cares and wants to do well.. It just worries me cause he gets soo upset if he don't get every single thing right all the time.

As far as Andy and I go... we couldn't be better.. I thank god everyday for him. I tell ya.. I could never..never ask for a better husband/father. He treats me like I'm a queen. Better than I deserve to be exact. I didn't think men like him still exsisted in this world.
I can honestly say... If It wasn't for him being in my life right now.. I don't believe I would still be in this world. My family..well thats to long of a story to get into ..but they....None of them see anything good in me at all.. Not nothing. They make my life hell.. And if Andy wasn't here to pick me up everyday, I'd be gone. I can say his love is all the love I get. And his family.. They are fantastic. They love me more than my blood familly loves me. Seriously I know that sounds off but...you'd have to be here I guess and see how my famliy is. If they can drag me down....nothing satisfies them more than making me feel like I"m the worse person in the world. ANd sometimes.... I start to believe them. It's just that.... Theres only one person here that doesn't think I"m aweful and a terrible person. So It gets alittle overwhelming when you have 20 people telling you that you don't deserve to be loved..and only one person telling you, you do. You start to wonder..ya know.. but..anyway.. Andy is here. *VVBS* And that part of my life is amazing makes the bitter stuff easier to swallow.
I wish I could pick up and move to Hawthorn,NV . Where his family is at. (sighs) It would be heaven to be able to see them everyday and be around a family that loves each other so much. And who loves me. It worries me so..raising my kids here with my family.. It scares me. I"m afraid of the person they'll turn out to be if they are raised with my family. And I know if I could raise them around Andy's family..having them in their life everyday, that my kids will turn out to be better individuals....loving,caring adults who have good morals..and a good heart...ext...
okkay okay..I didn't intend on getting all that out..but...whao..there it is.

mrsvaughan @ 2004-11-07T11:04:00

2004-11-07T16:14:54Z

There has been so much going on with the family the past few weeks..with everyone being sick and a few having surgery, that we're just not getting around to having CarlyAnna a birthday party. This is the second attempt at it mindya. We had to cancel the first one, and I thought I was gonna have to cancel this one.....out of nowhere my uncle got rushed to Jacksonville for an emergency angioplasty...however you spell it. They're saying he could have a heartattack any moment now. We are however going on with the party sence theres really nothing we can do for him anyways..and they're not doing the surgery till tomorrow morning... So at last at last... our baby's 2nd birthday party will be in a few hours now. (shakes my head) OooOh what a love/hate occasion. My baby.....my last baby.... (sighs) I can't believe she is two already. It's bad enough our oldest is 7 ! I just want to keep her little for just a while longer. I can't stand knowing she's my last. I've always been a baby person. I may not be good at much...but I've always been so good with babies. I would love to have another...not right now of course.. but I know a few years from now when CarlyAnna is starting school I will want another baby. It's just not right without a baby in the house.... little pitterpats..passy's..bottles..diapers...stepping on the squeaky toys at 4am. when your walking blindly thru the house..accidently pouring mountain dew in the bottle. hehehe
(sighs)

Okay okay I"ll stop.
Well..It's time for me to go. We really have alot to do today and I am pushing it now taking the time to post this. So goodday to everyone (waves)
We'll be posting some pics soon of CarlyAnna smashing cake in daddy's face hehehe
Ohh which reminds me.. I wish you could have all seen Andy the other day with her..YOu know how daddy's are with there little girls anyways. She wanted something I can't remember what it was. And her speech is so good she can say anything..she has the vocabulary of a 4 year old. She talks in paragraphs now.. She looked up at Andy and batted her dark brown eyes at him and said... "I want to hold that...pleasssssssse daddy " and smiled with her head tilted slightly to the side... LOL
Andy of course gave it to her instantly and sighed at me and said..OoOh man....she can get anything and everything she wants from me like that.
;.) Thats one memory I never want to forget.. I wish everyone could've seen the look on his face....when she melted his heart that instant.
We are really blessed.
O

mrsvaughan @ 2004-08-31T11:40:00

2004-08-31T15:48:34Z

My papa just came by to see me today *S* I was raised by my grandparents btw, not that it matters. Anyways....he was on his way to the hospital to see my granny, she had surgery yesterday. She's doing better today,they were some unexpected complications during the operation , thank God she came out of it alright though. The docs said afterward they didn't know it was as bad as it was until they got her open. We all have been holding our breath until the biopsy (however it's spelled) came back. She's been in remission for going on the second year so she has been really scared. The answer to our prayers finally reached us today. NO CANCER DETECTED!
On papa's way to see her he droped by to see the kids. CarlyAnna has got her papa wrapped around her little finger *S* And he had some very very good news....besides the no cancer results. He gave us a check to buy the doublewide we've been wanting. *VVBS* It's not a brandspanking new one but the family that lived there only had it for 6 months. They got a divorce and the wife couldn't keep up the payments and the husband didn't want it so the company that financed it didn't want to have to repo and come and get it so they were auctioning it off. And we made a bid. And got it! I'm soooo glad to. We're suppose to be moving out of this house this week but hah...all the stuff I've got it's gonna take me months to get it all packed and moved. But we thought we were gonna have to move in a small space and that was making me sick to think about. Literally. But now. I'm excited and more than ready to start packing.
I hate moving though...Oohhh I hate it. I'm a packrat so I've got sooo much stuff. And not to mention with two kids. They are endless toys and ect..(sighs) But..gotta get it done. It's funny sometimes how a bad situation turns out to be more than good at the end.

hehehe

2004-08-30T21:31:35Z

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mrsvaughan @ 2004-08-01T13:56:00

2004-08-01T18:09:28Z

I wanted to go see my daddy today.. For those who don't know he's in jail. He's been locked up for a year now. It could be worse though, he is at a detention center instead of a prison. There you can sit in a room with him and actually (SEE) him. Talking thru a glass wall was the hardest thing ever. That broke my heart, not to be able to even touch him or anything, just looking at him behind a glass wall. I hope I never have to do that again. I know I'm alittle old to whine about wanting my daddy but I'm a daddy's girl.. and have always been. He can have visitors Sat. & Sunday's, and I really wanted to see him today cause he just now got back from having his operation.But atleast I can talk to him on the phone.
On a better note, the kids are great, growing up so fast. It seems like CarlyAnna has grown up overnight, she talks so much now and so good for her age, and is soooo independant. She wants to do everything herself! She is soo spoiled *S*
Drew is thru growing up *LOL* that's what he says anyways.It makes me feel old thinking about him, he's almost 8 !! I can't hardly believe that. My baby is 8!!!!
He gets so mad when I call him my baby *L* And you ought to see how mad he gets when CarlyAnna calls him " DrewBaby" LOL
She calls him that alot lately to, it's sooo adorable when she says it. I love it... Drew hates it.
School is almost here again. Whew.. I think I"m more ready for it to start then Drew *L* That sounds mean I know, but I don't mean it that way. It's just thats the only break I get and it's such a big break during the day when it's just the baby home. I won't know what to do with myself when she starts school.. omg I don't even want to think about that.
Okay..well till next time.... I gotta get some work done here.. ((curtsies))

mrsvaughan @ 2004-07-29T18:28:00

2004-07-29T22:30:45Z

testing, testing...

this is a test of the dragonlord network. this is only a test...

i have gained access...

i have complete control!!!

mua ha ha ha haaaaa!!!!!

oops, wife's coming.... bye.